Family

My sister hasn't been home in more then a week. This isn't the first time she's done this, it has happened before, but I think it'll be the last time my parents deal with it. I don't know why but she leaves for extended period of time, and doesn't tell anybody where she is, or if shes coming home. If you call her she wont answer, and if you text she wont respond. She basically isolates herself from the family. I can see the way it hurts my parents the way she takes advantage of them. My family is falling apart right in front of me and there's nothing I can do. I want to hold us together so badly, but it's her 3rd/4th time shes done this. I can't keep track anymore. I try so hard to stand up for her with my parents and tell them she'll come home, she doesnt mean to hurt you, etc. Honestly, I'm stick of making excuses for her. I'm done with trying to keep my family a functioning one. I basically lost my sister, to her alcohol induced nights, and her need to be with her boyfriend more then her spending time with us, her family. I was planning to tell her about my girlfriend, but not anymore. Who knows if I'll see her before I head back to school. My moms about ready to pack all her clothes up and put them into boxes and kick her out the house. I understand why, she's being disrespectful to my parents, who still pay everything for her, like her gas, food, car, everything. They won't cancel her credit card yet which she is spending a shit load of money on because they feel bad leaving her with nothing. I just pray something bad doesnt happen to her because we wont know for weeks. I just want my family back, my happy family back, but that will never happened, because people have been hurt, and people just dont forget that. Life sucks, I hated school and while in school I just wanted to be home, and now I'm hating home because it isnt a home without the whole family, and it sucks because I dont know where to turn now.

Even if my sister comes home, the damage done can't be fixed. I know the day she comes home I will revert to my five year old self where I hid in the corner of my room in a ball, holding my ears trying not to hear the screams and the crying between my parents and my sister. However, I do have a car now, maybe it'll be my escape.

I usually don't pray but whenever she does it I start praying again. I will pray every night that she is safe and will be home soon.

Fences

Today has just not been a good day. I get the thought a decent amount of just cutting myself off from the world around me. The only people I'd stay in contact with is my family and probably my girlfriend. Everybody else I'd cut myself off from. Usually something throughout the day something stops me and makes me think it'd be a bad decision to do. Today the signs are clearer then ever that I should cut myself off and nothing is stopping me. My girlfriend thinks it's a bad idea, but if I'm not cutting her out of my life, she won't constantly tell me its a bad idea. She'll tell me not to the first time I bring it up, but soon will forget about it. So today seeing as I don't even matter that much in the lives of people I care a lot about I'm going start to just cut myself off from the world. Some people might think it's dumb for me to do this, to those people, well at least it'll stop me from crying myself to sleep every night. Something I truly do not enjoy. Today I will build my walls taller then ever and not leave a door for anybody to enter. I'll end this entry with this: I was listening to the song Fences by Paramore and this part of the song stuck out to me "If you let me I could, I'd show you how to build your fences. Set restrictions. Separate from the world."