Family

My sister hasn't been home in more then a week. This isn't the first time she's done this, it has happened before, but I think it'll be the last time my parents deal with it. I don't know why but she leaves for extended period of time, and doesn't tell anybody where she is, or if shes coming home. If you call her she wont answer, and if you text she wont respond. She basically isolates herself from the family. I can see the way it hurts my parents the way she takes advantage of them. My family is falling apart right in front of me and there's nothing I can do. I want to hold us together so badly, but it's her 3rd/4th time shes done this. I can't keep track anymore. I try so hard to stand up for her with my parents and tell them she'll come home, she doesnt mean to hurt you, etc. Honestly, I'm stick of making excuses for her. I'm done with trying to keep my family a functioning one. I basically lost my sister, to her alcohol induced nights, and her need to be with her boyfriend more then her spending time with us, her family. I was planning to tell her about my girlfriend, but not anymore. Who knows if I'll see her before I head back to school. My moms about ready to pack all her clothes up and put them into boxes and kick her out the house. I understand why, she's being disrespectful to my parents, who still pay everything for her, like her gas, food, car, everything. They won't cancel her credit card yet which she is spending a shit load of money on because they feel bad leaving her with nothing. I just pray something bad doesnt happen to her because we wont know for weeks. I just want my family back, my happy family back, but that will never happened, because people have been hurt, and people just dont forget that. Life sucks, I hated school and while in school I just wanted to be home, and now I'm hating home because it isnt a home without the whole family, and it sucks because I dont know where to turn now.

Even if my sister comes home, the damage done can't be fixed. I know the day she comes home I will revert to my five year old self where I hid in the corner of my room in a ball, holding my ears trying not to hear the screams and the crying between my parents and my sister. However, I do have a car now, maybe it'll be my escape.

I usually don't pray but whenever she does it I start praying again. I will pray every night that she is safe and will be home soon.

Fences

Today has just not been a good day. I get the thought a decent amount of just cutting myself off from the world around me. The only people I'd stay in contact with is my family and probably my girlfriend. Everybody else I'd cut myself off from. Usually something throughout the day something stops me and makes me think it'd be a bad decision to do. Today the signs are clearer then ever that I should cut myself off and nothing is stopping me. My girlfriend thinks it's a bad idea, but if I'm not cutting her out of my life, she won't constantly tell me its a bad idea. She'll tell me not to the first time I bring it up, but soon will forget about it. So today seeing as I don't even matter that much in the lives of people I care a lot about I'm going start to just cut myself off from the world. Some people might think it's dumb for me to do this, to those people, well at least it'll stop me from crying myself to sleep every night. Something I truly do not enjoy. Today I will build my walls taller then ever and not leave a door for anybody to enter. I'll end this entry with this: I was listening to the song Fences by Paramore and this part of the song stuck out to me "If you let me I could, I'd show you how to build your fences. Set restrictions. Separate from the world."

Conversation with Mentors

I had a long conversation with my old coach on a drive to see a friend of mine, which is her ex-player, play in her game. She truly is like a second mom to me. She believes it too because I turn to her for advice then don't take it. We talked mostly about my girlfriend, who she found out about yesterday. There was a lot said during this conversation, but the main thing I took away from it is that I need to live in the present and just be happy with everything great with her now instead of worrying about the future and/or the past. So tonight I'm living in the present and trying to enjoy everything about her. She makes me really happy and that's all that should matter. It is much easier said then done.

The One

Yesterday my girlfriend and I were talking about life and love, the usual. I asked her if she thought I was the one. She said yes, she asked me the same question back. I said idk. We've been dating for 3 months so I think shes okay with me saying it. Im not okay with saying idk because if my girlfriend was my boyfriend I would have most likely said yes. If she was a guy I would have said yes. I dont know what this means for me or this relationship. I am afraid to tell her because I know it'll break her heart. For now I guess I'll keep it to myself because I am happy with her and she is happy. I just feel like this is kinda me lying to her even though I technically didn't lie. I guess I have more things to sort about me being with a girl then I thought. I wish life could be simple and whenever i get happy I can't just stay happy.

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams"- Dr. Seuss

highlight of my day- I'm in love, and i couldnt be happier with her

K.B.

Even with a full night of sleep, I'm still in shock. I didn't/couldn't imagine something like that happening at school. It's one thing to die of natural causes, but to have somebody rob you of your life is another story in itself. My thoughts will be with K.B. I hope they get who ever stabbed him. It just sucks that somebody stole my friends life. I guess until something like this happens, you can't believe it would. I'll probably write more about this when the shock fades, and what happened settles in.

rip k.b. you will be missed<33

Adventures of an Eventful Day

My life from yesterday morning to today.

6:15am- wake up, feeling like a truck hit me, 3 hours of sleep most likely the reason
6:45- start work out at Rec Center
7:15- middle of the workout feeling nauseous
8:00- not feeling great, make the decision to skip 9am class
9:15- wake up from nap to go to my 10am class, i still feel like shit, but i have a paper due so I have to go
9:30- I vomit, I'm not going to class. back to sleep. I'm having sharp pains in my stomach, I still haven't eaten, pains in my stomach caused by the fact i haven't eaten.
11:15- wake up from nap again to go to my 12 calculus 2 class. We have a quiz and I can't afford to miss a class or I'll be super behind
11:35- I vomit again, and I start having diarrhea, I'm sick, I'm not going to class, I'm headed to the trainers room
12- Make an appointment with a trainer to come back in at 1:45 to see the doctor
1:45- By now I've vomited and had diarrhea about 6/7 times. I feel like shit.
2- I see the doctor, she believes I have a virus, and since I cant hold down liquids, I'm dehydrated, they want to give me IV.
2:15- They start to do the IV, they commend me on how well I deal with the needle going into my arm. I've never been afraid of shots or anything.
2:18- My had is tingling, I'm feeling lots of pain, I'm losing feeling in the arm they put the IV in. Also, I'm feeling extremely hot, I'm wanting to vomit, nothing coming out, the million ice bags they have on me aren't cooling me down. I'm freaking out.
2:20- My bicep is huge, like I'm muscular, but not that muscular, my blood pressure is low and is dropping. I've lost all feeling in my arm from my shoulder down.
2:21- Doctor come by, she tells them take out the IV, it's not going into my vein, it's going into my bicep muscle. They get the IV out as quickly as possible. They call the emt. My blood pressure is still low, I'm still hot.
2:25-I finally cool down, the emt gets there and they start running test.
2:30- Decided they will take my blood pressure, laying down, sitting up, and standing. It close to normal laying down, drops sitting up, extremely low standing. They want to take me to the hospital.
2:32- They put me in the wheel chair, I'm shaking, there is no way I'm getting out of going to the hospital even though I'm feeling better.
2:33- Get on and leave the training room in a stretcher . Get in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
2:40- While in the ambulance they do an ekg, comes up a little abnormal
2:50- Get to the hospital, they look at the little abnormality, they assume drugs. The male nurse starts asking me over and over again if I do drugs, I keep replying no.
2:51- The super nice and funny emt guy, yells at the male nurse, saying shes an athlete, she does not do drugs. He makes the male nurse go silent. I was super happy he stood up for me, through all this chaos, I felt like I had somebody on my side. My feeling of being alone, is gone.
3:10- they take my blood, and run test.
3:30- A trainer Jen shows up and stays with me until we leave.
7:00- Get discharged finally, I find out I'm a little anemic, which is always something good to know.
8:00- back in my room laying down, two of my teammates visit me. Love those girls, it was super sweet they stopped by.
8:15- Friend N comes by with water, gatorade and crackers, the only things I can consume, super sweet of her, and she stays in my room and keeps me company.
10- Friend N leaves, I video chat with my girlfriend who was worried about me
2:45am- wake up only to realized I'm sleeping in a liquid pool of my poop. Utterly disgusted, everything is covered.
3:00am- washing my sheets
4:30- Pass the hell back out
11:30- wake up, take a shower, feeling better, still have diarrhea, but I stop vomiting so that's progress
2:15pm- I'm writing this post.

Past 24 hours have been crazy, but I am feeling better and out of the hospital.

bright side of my day- I stopped vomiting. =]
quote of the day- "What does not destroy me, only makes me stronger."- Friedrich Neitzche

Dan

I got the call at about 1am. Dan passed away. I do not know if I said this before, Kelsey and death do not coincide. Most people who know me well enough know I don't do death. Don't turn to me when you need to talk about death. I am the wrong person for the job. My way of dealing with death, is not dealing with it. Is it bad that I'm happy my plane leaves before his funeral and I am going to make no attempt to change my flight to later? If it is, honestly, I don't care if it's bad or not, I can't step up and go to the funeral. It's weird, every time I come home for break somebody else passes away. Maybe I should stop coming home? No I will still come home. I was up until 4am last night on the phone with my girlfriend who learned the hard way how I honestly don't do death when her grandpa died. She was really good about it last night and we talked about nonsense to keep my mind off of it until we realized she had to be up in a hour. She did the most adorable thing by staying on the phone with me until i fell asleep. She knows me all too well. She's coming over tonight so I do not have to sleep alone. She the greatest.

Dan thank you for being an amazing friend to me over the years. I will always love you like a bro bro. Say hi to Jay for me, and you two better not have too much fun without the remaining half of the quad. =]


quote of the day- "We live together, we will die together, then we throw anarchy in heaven together, the quad forever."- the quad (jay, dan, matt, me)

bright side of my day- playing lax, ohh how I miss playing that lovely sport.