"You're a terrible person"

Between yesterday and today I've heard, "you're a terrible person" good amount of times. It's all by my best friend, I know she says it as a joke, but is there some truth behind it. I just can get it out of my head. She always tells me how she has more "game" then I do and now that I finally kinda do "i'm a terrible person." It confuses me. However, I'm not trying to make light or trying to find a scape goat for what I've been doing. That's 100% on me and my ability to be a shitty person. We all have the ability to be a shitty person, it's the choices we make that gauges our level of shittyness. For one I talk a bigger game then I have. I say I have and balancing in my life. I make it seem bigger, one because despite the fact that we've been friends for 3 years and you've seen me and know my past and have accepted me as your best friend a while ago, I still feel the need to impress you. Honestly, that's probably a whole other problem it is own.

Person 1 that I say I have in my life. It's my ex boyfriend who cheated on me for a week and breaks up with me the day before his birthday and the only reason he wants me back it because I made it clear I don't want to get back to him. If i do get back with him, he'll cheat on me again and we all know that story.

Person 2 that I say I have in my life. A guy who just broke up with the girl he was in love with. Even though he takes me john mayer concerts and is a gentleman and pays for things when we go out, the majority of the time we talk about her, clearly indicating he is not over her and he views me as a friend he can confide it. Yes we made out once, he was lonely, I was his rebound, I know and Im okay with that.

Person 3 that I say I have in my life. I've talked about him before, he's a guy whose 20, a freshman in college and doesn't go to class. He more concern about when he's gonna get high then anything else. We always make plans and I back out the last minute because I don't want to go because I hate the smell of weed and honestly the idea of laying next to you with the smell of weed permeating from your body is less the ideal.

Person 4 that I say I have in my life, but will lose her soon because I am a shitty. Yes I meant her. No I don't refer to myself as bisexual or lesbian. Honestly yesterday and today showed me, that I have no fucking clue who the fuck I am. But yes I have a girlfriend and since I've been with her I have "cheated" on her. I put quotes around the cheat because technically it wasnt but that has it's added complication. When I talk about her, I am a shitty person. I talk about how over emotional she is and how needy she is and all this bullshit, but it reality I love that she turns to me for help and I love the fact that she needs me. With her I dont feel like I need to do anything to be accepted and I don't have to change myself. I'm really happy when I talk to her. I know we fight all the time but that's because I'm a shitty person and I'm so scared shes going to leave me, so I rather give her reasons to leave then have her really get into a relationship with me and realized that I'm not what she wants. She gives me the world and I give her bread crums. The one person out of all these people that has genuine feelings invested is the one I give the least back to.


The only person I have in my life is my girlfriend. I'm scared she'll leave me so I take comfort in the guys around me. I have a fear of ending up alone so I keep as many people around me so I won't. I talk a big game to my best friend because despite the fact I know that all these guys aren't really there for me, if i act like they do for those few moments we talk I feel better about them and hope they won't leave. My girlfriend is truly amazing, but like those guys she will leave me because if she doesn't find out how shitty of a person I am, I will systematically kick her out of my life because she somebody I have genuine feelings for. In my life, the second I start to really fall for somebody they leave, so instead i'll kick you out before you can kick me out. My two fears in life will end in destroying me. I'm afraid of being alone so I try to let as many people into my life as possible but I also have a fear of people leaving so I'll push them away before they can leave. Both fears contradict themselves ending in both of them coming true.


bright side of my day- It was seeing somebody I look up to in life, and i turn to for advice. Having to tell her about all my "game" I had in front of my best friend and realizing I did not want to tell her for the fact that I don't wan to think I'm a bad person inspired this post.

quote of the day- "There are 3 type of people in this world: genuinely good people who occasionally do bad thing, genuinely bad people who occasionally do good things, and genuine people who know you can't categorize the world into 3 groups." Christopher Guiterrez