Family

My sister hasn't been home in more then a week. This isn't the first time she's done this, it has happened before, but I think it'll be the last time my parents deal with it. I don't know why but she leaves for extended period of time, and doesn't tell anybody where she is, or if shes coming home. If you call her she wont answer, and if you text she wont respond. She basically isolates herself from the family. I can see the way it hurts my parents the way she takes advantage of them. My family is falling apart right in front of me and there's nothing I can do. I want to hold us together so badly, but it's her 3rd/4th time shes done this. I can't keep track anymore. I try so hard to stand up for her with my parents and tell them she'll come home, she doesnt mean to hurt you, etc. Honestly, I'm stick of making excuses for her. I'm done with trying to keep my family a functioning one. I basically lost my sister, to her alcohol induced nights, and her need to be with her boyfriend more then her spending time with us, her family. I was planning to tell her about my girlfriend, but not anymore. Who knows if I'll see her before I head back to school. My moms about ready to pack all her clothes up and put them into boxes and kick her out the house. I understand why, she's being disrespectful to my parents, who still pay everything for her, like her gas, food, car, everything. They won't cancel her credit card yet which she is spending a shit load of money on because they feel bad leaving her with nothing. I just pray something bad doesnt happen to her because we wont know for weeks. I just want my family back, my happy family back, but that will never happened, because people have been hurt, and people just dont forget that. Life sucks, I hated school and while in school I just wanted to be home, and now I'm hating home because it isnt a home without the whole family, and it sucks because I dont know where to turn now.

Even if my sister comes home, the damage done can't be fixed. I know the day she comes home I will revert to my five year old self where I hid in the corner of my room in a ball, holding my ears trying not to hear the screams and the crying between my parents and my sister. However, I do have a car now, maybe it'll be my escape.

I usually don't pray but whenever she does it I start praying again. I will pray every night that she is safe and will be home soon.

Fences

Today has just not been a good day. I get the thought a decent amount of just cutting myself off from the world around me. The only people I'd stay in contact with is my family and probably my girlfriend. Everybody else I'd cut myself off from. Usually something throughout the day something stops me and makes me think it'd be a bad decision to do. Today the signs are clearer then ever that I should cut myself off and nothing is stopping me. My girlfriend thinks it's a bad idea, but if I'm not cutting her out of my life, she won't constantly tell me its a bad idea. She'll tell me not to the first time I bring it up, but soon will forget about it. So today seeing as I don't even matter that much in the lives of people I care a lot about I'm going start to just cut myself off from the world. Some people might think it's dumb for me to do this, to those people, well at least it'll stop me from crying myself to sleep every night. Something I truly do not enjoy. Today I will build my walls taller then ever and not leave a door for anybody to enter. I'll end this entry with this: I was listening to the song Fences by Paramore and this part of the song stuck out to me "If you let me I could, I'd show you how to build your fences. Set restrictions. Separate from the world."

Conversation with Mentors

I had a long conversation with my old coach on a drive to see a friend of mine, which is her ex-player, play in her game. She truly is like a second mom to me. She believes it too because I turn to her for advice then don't take it. We talked mostly about my girlfriend, who she found out about yesterday. There was a lot said during this conversation, but the main thing I took away from it is that I need to live in the present and just be happy with everything great with her now instead of worrying about the future and/or the past. So tonight I'm living in the present and trying to enjoy everything about her. She makes me really happy and that's all that should matter. It is much easier said then done.

The One

Yesterday my girlfriend and I were talking about life and love, the usual. I asked her if she thought I was the one. She said yes, she asked me the same question back. I said idk. We've been dating for 3 months so I think shes okay with me saying it. Im not okay with saying idk because if my girlfriend was my boyfriend I would have most likely said yes. If she was a guy I would have said yes. I dont know what this means for me or this relationship. I am afraid to tell her because I know it'll break her heart. For now I guess I'll keep it to myself because I am happy with her and she is happy. I just feel like this is kinda me lying to her even though I technically didn't lie. I guess I have more things to sort about me being with a girl then I thought. I wish life could be simple and whenever i get happy I can't just stay happy.

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams"- Dr. Seuss

highlight of my day- I'm in love, and i couldnt be happier with her

K.B.

Even with a full night of sleep, I'm still in shock. I didn't/couldn't imagine something like that happening at school. It's one thing to die of natural causes, but to have somebody rob you of your life is another story in itself. My thoughts will be with K.B. I hope they get who ever stabbed him. It just sucks that somebody stole my friends life. I guess until something like this happens, you can't believe it would. I'll probably write more about this when the shock fades, and what happened settles in.

rip k.b. you will be missed<33

Adventures of an Eventful Day

My life from yesterday morning to today.

6:15am- wake up, feeling like a truck hit me, 3 hours of sleep most likely the reason
6:45- start work out at Rec Center
7:15- middle of the workout feeling nauseous
8:00- not feeling great, make the decision to skip 9am class
9:15- wake up from nap to go to my 10am class, i still feel like shit, but i have a paper due so I have to go
9:30- I vomit, I'm not going to class. back to sleep. I'm having sharp pains in my stomach, I still haven't eaten, pains in my stomach caused by the fact i haven't eaten.
11:15- wake up from nap again to go to my 12 calculus 2 class. We have a quiz and I can't afford to miss a class or I'll be super behind
11:35- I vomit again, and I start having diarrhea, I'm sick, I'm not going to class, I'm headed to the trainers room
12- Make an appointment with a trainer to come back in at 1:45 to see the doctor
1:45- By now I've vomited and had diarrhea about 6/7 times. I feel like shit.
2- I see the doctor, she believes I have a virus, and since I cant hold down liquids, I'm dehydrated, they want to give me IV.
2:15- They start to do the IV, they commend me on how well I deal with the needle going into my arm. I've never been afraid of shots or anything.
2:18- My had is tingling, I'm feeling lots of pain, I'm losing feeling in the arm they put the IV in. Also, I'm feeling extremely hot, I'm wanting to vomit, nothing coming out, the million ice bags they have on me aren't cooling me down. I'm freaking out.
2:20- My bicep is huge, like I'm muscular, but not that muscular, my blood pressure is low and is dropping. I've lost all feeling in my arm from my shoulder down.
2:21- Doctor come by, she tells them take out the IV, it's not going into my vein, it's going into my bicep muscle. They get the IV out as quickly as possible. They call the emt. My blood pressure is still low, I'm still hot.
2:25-I finally cool down, the emt gets there and they start running test.
2:30- Decided they will take my blood pressure, laying down, sitting up, and standing. It close to normal laying down, drops sitting up, extremely low standing. They want to take me to the hospital.
2:32- They put me in the wheel chair, I'm shaking, there is no way I'm getting out of going to the hospital even though I'm feeling better.
2:33- Get on and leave the training room in a stretcher . Get in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
2:40- While in the ambulance they do an ekg, comes up a little abnormal
2:50- Get to the hospital, they look at the little abnormality, they assume drugs. The male nurse starts asking me over and over again if I do drugs, I keep replying no.
2:51- The super nice and funny emt guy, yells at the male nurse, saying shes an athlete, she does not do drugs. He makes the male nurse go silent. I was super happy he stood up for me, through all this chaos, I felt like I had somebody on my side. My feeling of being alone, is gone.
3:10- they take my blood, and run test.
3:30- A trainer Jen shows up and stays with me until we leave.
7:00- Get discharged finally, I find out I'm a little anemic, which is always something good to know.
8:00- back in my room laying down, two of my teammates visit me. Love those girls, it was super sweet they stopped by.
8:15- Friend N comes by with water, gatorade and crackers, the only things I can consume, super sweet of her, and she stays in my room and keeps me company.
10- Friend N leaves, I video chat with my girlfriend who was worried about me
2:45am- wake up only to realized I'm sleeping in a liquid pool of my poop. Utterly disgusted, everything is covered.
3:00am- washing my sheets
4:30- Pass the hell back out
11:30- wake up, take a shower, feeling better, still have diarrhea, but I stop vomiting so that's progress
2:15pm- I'm writing this post.

Past 24 hours have been crazy, but I am feeling better and out of the hospital.

bright side of my day- I stopped vomiting. =]
quote of the day- "What does not destroy me, only makes me stronger."- Friedrich Neitzche

Dan

I got the call at about 1am. Dan passed away. I do not know if I said this before, Kelsey and death do not coincide. Most people who know me well enough know I don't do death. Don't turn to me when you need to talk about death. I am the wrong person for the job. My way of dealing with death, is not dealing with it. Is it bad that I'm happy my plane leaves before his funeral and I am going to make no attempt to change my flight to later? If it is, honestly, I don't care if it's bad or not, I can't step up and go to the funeral. It's weird, every time I come home for break somebody else passes away. Maybe I should stop coming home? No I will still come home. I was up until 4am last night on the phone with my girlfriend who learned the hard way how I honestly don't do death when her grandpa died. She was really good about it last night and we talked about nonsense to keep my mind off of it until we realized she had to be up in a hour. She did the most adorable thing by staying on the phone with me until i fell asleep. She knows me all too well. She's coming over tonight so I do not have to sleep alone. She the greatest.

Dan thank you for being an amazing friend to me over the years. I will always love you like a bro bro. Say hi to Jay for me, and you two better not have too much fun without the remaining half of the quad. =]


quote of the day- "We live together, we will die together, then we throw anarchy in heaven together, the quad forever."- the quad (jay, dan, matt, me)

bright side of my day- playing lax, ohh how I miss playing that lovely sport.

"You're a terrible person"

Between yesterday and today I've heard, "you're a terrible person" good amount of times. It's all by my best friend, I know she says it as a joke, but is there some truth behind it. I just can get it out of my head. She always tells me how she has more "game" then I do and now that I finally kinda do "i'm a terrible person." It confuses me. However, I'm not trying to make light or trying to find a scape goat for what I've been doing. That's 100% on me and my ability to be a shitty person. We all have the ability to be a shitty person, it's the choices we make that gauges our level of shittyness. For one I talk a bigger game then I have. I say I have and balancing in my life. I make it seem bigger, one because despite the fact that we've been friends for 3 years and you've seen me and know my past and have accepted me as your best friend a while ago, I still feel the need to impress you. Honestly, that's probably a whole other problem it is own.

Person 1 that I say I have in my life. It's my ex boyfriend who cheated on me for a week and breaks up with me the day before his birthday and the only reason he wants me back it because I made it clear I don't want to get back to him. If i do get back with him, he'll cheat on me again and we all know that story.

Person 2 that I say I have in my life. A guy who just broke up with the girl he was in love with. Even though he takes me john mayer concerts and is a gentleman and pays for things when we go out, the majority of the time we talk about her, clearly indicating he is not over her and he views me as a friend he can confide it. Yes we made out once, he was lonely, I was his rebound, I know and Im okay with that.

Person 3 that I say I have in my life. I've talked about him before, he's a guy whose 20, a freshman in college and doesn't go to class. He more concern about when he's gonna get high then anything else. We always make plans and I back out the last minute because I don't want to go because I hate the smell of weed and honestly the idea of laying next to you with the smell of weed permeating from your body is less the ideal.

Person 4 that I say I have in my life, but will lose her soon because I am a shitty. Yes I meant her. No I don't refer to myself as bisexual or lesbian. Honestly yesterday and today showed me, that I have no fucking clue who the fuck I am. But yes I have a girlfriend and since I've been with her I have "cheated" on her. I put quotes around the cheat because technically it wasnt but that has it's added complication. When I talk about her, I am a shitty person. I talk about how over emotional she is and how needy she is and all this bullshit, but it reality I love that she turns to me for help and I love the fact that she needs me. With her I dont feel like I need to do anything to be accepted and I don't have to change myself. I'm really happy when I talk to her. I know we fight all the time but that's because I'm a shitty person and I'm so scared shes going to leave me, so I rather give her reasons to leave then have her really get into a relationship with me and realized that I'm not what she wants. She gives me the world and I give her bread crums. The one person out of all these people that has genuine feelings invested is the one I give the least back to.


The only person I have in my life is my girlfriend. I'm scared she'll leave me so I take comfort in the guys around me. I have a fear of ending up alone so I keep as many people around me so I won't. I talk a big game to my best friend because despite the fact I know that all these guys aren't really there for me, if i act like they do for those few moments we talk I feel better about them and hope they won't leave. My girlfriend is truly amazing, but like those guys she will leave me because if she doesn't find out how shitty of a person I am, I will systematically kick her out of my life because she somebody I have genuine feelings for. In my life, the second I start to really fall for somebody they leave, so instead i'll kick you out before you can kick me out. My two fears in life will end in destroying me. I'm afraid of being alone so I try to let as many people into my life as possible but I also have a fear of people leaving so I'll push them away before they can leave. Both fears contradict themselves ending in both of them coming true.


bright side of my day- It was seeing somebody I look up to in life, and i turn to for advice. Having to tell her about all my "game" I had in front of my best friend and realizing I did not want to tell her for the fact that I don't wan to think I'm a bad person inspired this post.

quote of the day- "There are 3 type of people in this world: genuinely good people who occasionally do bad thing, genuinely bad people who occasionally do good things, and genuine people who know you can't categorize the world into 3 groups." Christopher Guiterrez

Walk walk fashion baby

On Wednesday night, my best friend, A, and his fraternity had a drag show called Wyte Family reunion. Frats and drag shows I know odd combination for most people. My friends frat has all gay guys in it. The drag show was $7 for a ticket. For a college student like me, that's a lot. I can get dinner at taco bell for a buck. Honestly though, smartest 7 dollars I've spent in long time. Not only was the show amazing all the money between entrance fee and tip went to AIDS research, which I thought was a really great thing. My friend A said they raise about 2,000 dollars, which was double of how much they made the year before. It was honestly a really fun night. They all did an amazing job. I can't listen to lady gaga or kesha without thinking of them. Ruby Sapphire, his drag name of course, did an amazing performance to monster and bad romance by gaga. I admittedly went up and throw a 5 dollar bill on stage as a tip. Many people were going up and throwing tips on the stage it was great. My first drag show was a complete success. Yes I will attend more in the future.

bright side of my day- I am home, laying in my own comfy bed. I need a break from Miami and the world. Coming home now was perfect timing.

Failure

I just took my chem test. They post the answers online so I went online and checked my grade. I got a 45. I failed my last chem test too. I need to get an A on the last test and at least a B on the final to pass this class. I should be studying for calc right now but finding it so hard to do anything right now. The feeling of being a failure just sucks. I know when I get in this mentality I rather fail for not trying then try my hardest and fail because then I don't feel like a failure. I dont know. Life sucks sometimes. I've gotten 6 hours of sleep for the past 3 days. whatever. Idk what I'm going to do but it'll probably involve me laying in a ball on my bed. I've had the dream of being a doctor since I was in the 6th grade. I see my dreams crashing down in front of me and honestly I dont know how to handle it. Back to studying

tonight there is no bright side and no quote. today is not a good day.

Reminders of what is Important

Last night my ex invited me out to dinner. Stories that start off dinner with the ex are never good. Let me give you inside on this relationship with Mr. G. As my best friend RC will say it ended as quickly as it started. We started dating a 2 weeks before winter break we are both are leaving this city of Miami. I flew back to jersey, he flew back to Montana. 3 weeks and miles away from each other I had my cautions. We had only dated for 2 weeks, we've known each other for longer but still you can only trust somebody so much. What really bothers me about our break up is because I told him I am perfectly okay with taking a break while we are home for the holidays and when we come back we see where we are and see if we can pick up where we left off. He was insistent that we stay together, and got offended that I would even think he would not be faithful. I said okay cause I obvious I believe him. Day before my birthday, text message call me as soon as possible. I was out to lunch with a few friends and he never writes that in a text message assuming something extremely important happened I excused myself from the table and called him. He answers "hey hun" which really bugs me because do not call me hun if you are about to explain to me how you are a complete asshole. I say "hey whats going on is everything okay" He know I'm a person who assumes the worst, but this was not what I was expecting. He says "as you know I am a man and a man has needs, I've been fucking my ex girlfriend for the past week." All I can say is, "This has been going on for a week, and you tell me the day before my birthday." His reply "at least its not on your birthday" Of course a fight occurs, he wins, because he an emotionless bastard and he can tell me all of this with a smile on his face. All I asked him is for his honestly. I was more pissed he waited the week to tell me and lied when I asked him about being faithful. If he had told me as soon as it happened the first time, yeah I'd be bothered by it but I'd be happier because at least he's honest.

When I get back to school in January. I want nothing to do with him. I'm done. Yes I have feeling for him but I tell myself everyday I am a strong woman to doesn't need that so in ways I know this will get to him, in ways its me showing I dont care. I don't ignore him because they he knows what he did to me really bothered me, but instead I act like we are two people who just know each other. I say hi when I walk past you and that is it.

Last night, he asked me to dinner for an overdue talk. Blah blah im sorry blah blah i did not realize how much you meant to me blah blah, will you go back out with me? I say give me to the end of spring break I need time to think. I still have feelings for him but honestly they are feelings that I put into a box and that is sitting next to the garbage can. I haven't quite got the courage to trash it but I would've been if he did ask me back out.

I tell you all this because last night between stressing for test, I am also all worried over a guy who I don't know what to tell to him. After dinner and in the middle of studying for test, 11:37 (yes I just looked at my phone to see what time I got the call). My friend called to me update on my childhood friend D, who happened to get in a terrible car accident, which I is hard for me to talk about until I see him and hold him to know that he will be okay. She tells me he's still in the ICU getting surgeries for all the burns on his skin, and that he is paralyzed from the waist down. A guy who has told me if he could only do 1 thing for the rest of his life it would be to surf. Now he will never get the chance.

Suddenly my "guy problem" seems so insignificant. Why does tragedy always make you value life and realized that the little things in life aren't that big? Why can't we realized that on our own in daily life? I take life for granted, so do most people. So today I told and will continue to tell the people I care about I love them and that my life without them would be bleak. As for Mr. G, I told him I still have feeling for you but you fucked up and I am better then that. He says oh damn and turns to walk away, I reply "friends?" He said "always" Just because we worked horrible together as a couple did not mean or friendship was terrible. So today I threw away the box and decided that I need to cherish everyday.

stay strong D, you have so many people behind you and that love you.

"The greatest gift you can give others is your best you - your healthiest you."- Joseph J. Sweere

Every part of my day was bright because today nothing can bring me down =]

Unexpected Turns

Life has been busy lately. I've been studying all day. I have a biology test monday, chem test tuesday, and calc 2 test wednesday. That pretty much explains my life for now. Spring Break is next week and I leave to go home Saturday morning. I am very excited to be home and around friends. I have a few things planned with best friend R., so it is definitely something to look forward to besides test.

On a different note, this guy B texted me saying hey. I haven't talked/seen to him in a while. We were talking a few weeks ago and always tried to hang out, but he sleeps all day, and is awake all night so he texts me to hang out at like 10pm. At first I thought he'd text me for a booty call but then I realized he woke up at 10pm. Unlike him I usually have to wake up by 6 every weekday except for Friday, I can't do the late hang out. So go back to him texting me. He asked me what I was doing tonight, I said nothing because honestly I planned on studying all night. I asked him what he was doing he said he was doing nothing, and added this which through me for a curve, I havent done anything this semester, I havent been having fun. This comment through me for a curve. What is that suppose to mean? He has said before he hasnt hooked up with anybody else and he's waiting for me. I never meant to give him the impression he should wait for me. Don't get me wrong he is a super sweet guy but I can't date a guy who only wants me to come over after 10am, and plus he smokes another turn off. I just feel between me and him things would never work out. We can't even hang out. I'm honestly too busy unless somebody is willing to work with my schedule. I don't know, men confuse me. I wonder if they will ever stop confusing me.


bright side of my day- I got a lot of much needing studying and I think I'm actually understanding most of my calc 2 work

quote of the day-"There's more to life then increasing it's speed"-Mohandas Gandhi

The Stress's of Life

So this is my first post. This is really weird and awkward. I've been meaning to write a first post for the past few weeks, but I have not gotten to it. Here I am now procrastinating work with writing this. I decided to start writing this because I have heard from a few people that is a good way just to reflect on the day. I think I need to reflect on my days more to prove that days that I think are bad are truly not as bad as I make them out to be. Also, that just okay days are actually good days. I think personally I should look at all my small victories during the day and then I will realize that I actually got a lot accomplished. I've been really stressed out the past few days. I realized my body does not function as well as it did during high school. I dont know if that is because I am older or is a result i dont eat has healthy as I did while I was home, or maybe it is because I am doing a lot more. Like even though i had soccer practice in high school, practices in college are 100 times more intense so maybe my body is just more tired. The reason I am saying all of this is because my Coach told me in light of my bad grades, "I should close the library," which means I should be in the library until 1am which is the time it closes. I think this is a good idea, however, he expects me to wake up the next morning at 5:45am for weight training. Last time I was up late and didnt get enough sleep before weights, I dropped a weight on my toe, and left in a considerable about of pain. So my thought is I dont know if i can function doing that. I will give it a try. I might as well if anything there's always the weekend to catch up on sleep. I am also trying to taking less and shorter naps when i do take them. I took a nap for 40 minutes today compared to my 2-2 1/2 hr naps. I am currently in study hall and when study hall closes I am going to head to the library where I will be there until 1. Hopefully I will be able to wake up my 9am class which is usually unsuccessful. We will see how these adventures go for me.

quote of the day- "really great people make you feel that you too, can become great."- Mark Twain
bright side of my day- I had a really good lunch with people I love and care about.


I get emails from oprah.com and I love the quotes of the day she had on them, and as i said earlier i'm trying to focus on the good part of my days because I usually dont, so i decided I'd share it with whoever reads this.